We don’t know how my grandson, who is 18, feels about it all as he just says he’s fine. He’s started travelling to gigs all over the country and I’m sure it was just to keep moving and feel there was a purpose to life. I totally understand as I have been the same, keeping so busy to distract myself from the pain of grief. He started a college course in September but I heard he’s not attending.
He has moved in with my son and his partner but they rarely see him — he’s out until the early hours as he plays in a band. He’s a typical 18-year-old in that his room is a mess but on the whole he’s no trouble to them, and I’m so blessed that my son asked him to stay with him. We did offer but we are too old in his eyes and probably too close to his mum’s memory for him to be happy with us.
He’s a lovely, gentle soul like his mum but I’m now so worried he’ll go down a similar route to her by mixing with people who are not good.
My son is wanting to talk to him about paying his way and keeping his room reasonably tidy but doesn’t want to cause my grandson to shut down and maybe leave. I suggested sitting down with him to discuss what his plans are for this year and what my son expects of him. Do you think this is the best approach?
Our grandson is terrible at answering his phone or replying to texts, which, of course, has us all worrying if he’s OK. How do we speak to him? We’re just so afraid we will lose him.
Sally
A. The depth of the loss you describe is heartbreaking. The death of your daughter in such circumstances after a month of ill health, during which she was neither properly heard nor cared for, and against the backdrop of a history of addiction, is devastating. Your grief will be complicated by anger, disbelief, a sense of injustice and, as you eloquently describe, anxiety about your grandson.
Nothing you describe suggests a young person who is imminently at risk. Instead it is more like the early stages of grief in a young person whose world has been devastated.
In mental health, risk is often calculated by an evaluation of protective factors as well as risk factors in a person’s life. While I fully understand your fears for your grandson, I want to reassure you that he has many protective factors to counter them (you and the family, friends, his band). In fact risk does not arise simply because grief is present, it arises when grief is unseen, unsupported or burdened with expectation.
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Being at college is also a protective factor but grief can derail plans. Your grandson’s non-attendance is concerning but not uncommon for bereaved teenagers and young adults, because grief disrupts the capacities needed for engagement with education, including concentration, motivation, sustained attention, emotional regulation and future-thinking. Given what he has experienced, I suggest that non-attendance at this stage reflects his present state of survival mode, where he is prioritising movement, stimulation and connection over sitting still, absorbing information and producing academic work.
He keeps moving and keeps his world loud and busy for exactly the same reasons you are “keeping so busy to distract from the pain of grief”. Silence and stillness can invite memories and feelings that overwhelm so keeping busy and moving is protective rather than dangerous. This is common, especially in young men who often express grief through action and physical activity rather than reflection and verbal expression. This is called instrumental, kinetic or action-focused grieving.
Of course your grandson will need to find a balance between his band and his education, and for this I suggest an approach where the family and his college work together to create supportive structures. Ideally one trusted member of staff should contact him, naming the bereavement and acknowledging that withdrawal, low energy and loss of focus are common after a significant loss, particularly for young men who may struggle to put grief into words. The emphasis should be to reassure him that he has not been forgotten and that there is space for him even if he cannot fully engage yet. Practical flexibility, such as a temporarily reduced timetable or eased deadlines, can help him stay connected without feeling overwhelmed, while regular check-ins with the same adult offer a steady, non-judgmental anchor.
Colleges often have counsellors and educational mental health practitioners. These resources could be offered not because there is something wrong with him but to send a message that he belongs there, that his loss is understood and that support will remain in place as he slowly finds his way back.
Another protective factor is that he is still living with family and has a stable base. Young people in grief often oscillate between dependence and independence, wanting closeness but also distance from reminders of their loss (which is also perhaps why he cannot live in the family home).
Your son’s dilemma about whether to raise issues about contributing financially or keeping his room tidy is a very common one in families supporting a bereaved young adult. You were wise to suggest waiting and allowing some settling time. As well as sensitively timing when these conversations happen, how they are framed is important. If practical expectations are introduced too early, or introduced as a problem that needs fixing, they risk being experienced as rejection. However, if they are avoided altogether they can create anxiety and resentment on both sides.
The psychologically safest approach is to begin with reassurance and relationship rather than rules. Before discussing money or tidiness, it is important that your grandson feels secure in his place in the household and that his presence is wanted, not merely tolerated. Eventually expectations can be introduced as part of shared adult living so that he can slowly re-enter adult roles when he has the capacity to do so.
It’s clear that your grandson’s sporadic communication and emotional silence causes anxiety. Although he is considered an adult at his age, his brain is still six years away from full maturation and so he won’t yet have the emotional language to articulate his grief. This is especially true for young men, especially in families where emotional expression has been complex or fraught.
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It’s also important to remember that grief has a delayed quality and may not fully surface until life slows down, sometimes months or years later. What matters now is not forcing expression but keeping the door open. It is also not unusual at his age to be less than consistent with communication, especially with those closest to his pain. Given what you have already lost I can understand the anxiety generated by his silence but it is important this doesn’t translate into anxious surveillance, because that will push him away.
I advise a low-pressure level of contact in which messages express care and connection, and not demanding reassurance from him. He cannot feel responsible for managing everyone else’s fear and this also includes your understandable fear about him following his mother’s path. Addiction casts a long shadow but be careful not to look at your grandson as potentially repeating his mother’s story, as that will colour your responses to him now.
You ask how to talk to him without pushing him away. Speak from your own feelings rather than analysing his behaviour, offering your presence rather than solutions. Name the loss gently, without expectation, and allow silence without filling it. Most importantly remember that you are playing the long game. Grief is not resolved through one conversation or one decision about college, it unfolds over time, often unevenly. See winstonswish.org/what-to-say-to-a-grieving-young-person.
Your fear of losing him sits at the heart of this letter. I want to say this clearly: young people are not lost because they grieve differently, slowly or quietly. They are lost when relationships become governed by fear rather than trust. What protects your grandson now is exactly what you are already doing: holding him in mind, keeping connection open, offering stability without pressure and allowing him to move at his own pace. See childbereavementuk.org/supporting-bereaved-children-and-young-people. I wish you all well.
