‘Without clear distance and boundaries, he will pull me down with him’
“Every job loss, every legal problem, every financial crisis was never his fault. He was always the victim.” (Photo subject is a model.)
Dear Quentin,
I am 67, the middle of three brothers. I’m writing about my younger brother, 64, who has never managed to get his life together – and about how my wife and I should handle him going forward.
He never married, has no children, no savings and no retirement, does not own a home and is currently unemployed, living in a small apartment in a low-rent area of a large Southern city.
Our parents bailed him out his entire life. Every job loss, every legal problem, every financial crisis was never his fault. He was always the victim, and they were always the rescuers. The result is a man who is emotionally immature, dishonest and unable to take responsibility.
Here are some of the things he did:
— Fraudulently opened credit cards in our parents’ names, running up over $70,000, which they paid off.
— Faced repeated accusations of inappropriate behavior and legal trouble, with my parents funding lawyers and defending him.
— Cashed out his teacher pension after 20 years and spent it within a year.
— Was arrested on drug charges. My mother insisted he was innocent and asked me to arrange bail.
— Regularly claimed crises – break-ins, unsafe cars, job losses – and received money each time.
— Took international vacations funded by my mother while unemployed.
— Lived with her rent-free while accumulating more debt.
When it became clear mom was nearing the end of her life, I suggested she set up a spendthrift trust to protect his inheritance. She refused. Within a year, it was gone.
After she passed, he asked to move in with my wife and me. I refused. If he ever moved in, he would never leave. I don’t trust him with money or my property, or around my grandchildren.
Last year he repeatedly asked me for money – first small amounts, then hundreds of dollars weekly – claiming it was for gas and food. I eventually demanded access to his bank statements and discovered he had taken out a predatory car title loan with nearly 200% interest and was using my money to pay it.
When he later fell behind on rent and asked me to cover it, I decided the financial support had to end. After much discussion, my wife and I offered one final arrangement: We would catch up his rent and buy him a used car if he agreed never to ask us for money again. He agreed. I hold the car title.
Since then, he has lost another job but is now driving for Uber and starting new employment. The drama has decreased since we enforced firm boundaries.
‘The drama decreased since we enforced firm boundaries.’
Mental-health professionals have suggested his behavior resembles addiction – chronic victimhood, manipulation and what I’ve heard called “dry begging.” When he doesn’t get money, he becomes angry and claims I am failing in my duty as a brother.
Our fear is that he will eventually show up homeless and expect to move into the attached apartment in our home. I would sell the house before allowing that. We cannot live with the chaos.
So my questions are these: What is our moral obligation to someone who is repeatedly dishonest, has stolen from family and refuses accountability? How do we handle him going forward?
His future looks bleak: little Social Security, no savings, medical problems, limited housing options. He receives SNAP benefits and will qualify for Medicare in 2026, but beyond that, prospects are limited.
My wife and I have endured years of stress over him. Since setting firm boundaries last fall, the situation has improved. We rarely speak and see him only twice a year. We have been generous – but now we are firm.
I love my brother, but without clear distance and boundaries, he will pull me down with him.r distance and boundaries, he will pull me down with him.
The Middle Brother
Related: My dad left when I was 9, reconnected with me in my 50s and now needs money. What do I owe him?
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at [email protected]. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
He will continue to create disharmony and chaos wherever he can, from dealing with landlords to credit-card companies.
The last line in your letter sums up the predicament you’re in. You are correct: You will get pulled under financially, spiritually and emotionally if you continue to acquiesce to his demands or play host to his decades-long pity parties. It’s not a judgment on him – and you don’t owe him an explanation, as that conversation could last several more decades – as much as it is an act of survival for yourself and your wife and kids. You have every right to put your own family first.
He will continue to create disharmony and chaos wherever he can, from dealing with landlords to racking up credit-card debt, but the fact is that most of his friends and acquaintances long ago walked away and pulled up the drawbridge behind them. That leaves family – you. But the role of family is not to be a caretaker to someone who has shown repeatedly that they are unwilling or unable to listen to reason, take advice and live a functioning life.
You have every right to put your own family first.
What you refer to as “dry begging” and constantly pushing your boundaries in an effort to get you to lower them is also known as FOG: fear, obligation and guilt. Fear about what he might do next. Obligation because you are family. And guilt because he claims this time it will be different, if only he had an extra $1,000. It’s a communication style or, more accurately, a manipulation tactic used by people who have a borderline personality disorder.
There are many types of personality disorders, and they may overlap. Antisocial personality disorder is often associated with impulsive and aggressive behavior; borderline personality disorder often shows up as instability in relationships, spiraling emotions and impulsivity; histrionic personality disorder results in dramatic emotional outbursts; and narcissistic personality disorder includes a lack of empathy for other people’s priorities and feelings coupled with grandiosity.
I say all this not because it’s your (or my) job to diagnose or convince him to seek psychotherapy or psychiatric help – to be clear, your job is done – but to help you understand that you’re probably not dealing with a healthy personality. Likely, he is not someone who will eventually see reason, have empathy, turn his life around and learn to have healthy boundaries. His intense feelings are his reality and, as long as he continues to fail to control them, they will be his guiding light.
‘Moral’ obligations
So where does that leave you? What are your moral obligations? Your moral obligations are to your own mental and financial health, and that of your family. Dry begging is a way to constantly push – and test – your boundaries and keep you engaged. It’s not only a poor form of communication in that it’s passive-aggressive, but it also creates an environment where it becomes increasingly prevalent and acceptable. If it works one out of 10 times, it’s working.
The task for you is to decide what kind of boundaries will improve your happiness, sense of peace, mental health and quality of life. From what you say, there is little room for middle ground between excommunication and open lines of communication. He is a constraint disruption to your life, and even when there is silence, you are waiting for the next intrusion. It may be impossible to maintain ongoing communication without being dragged into another battle.
Dry begging is a way to constantly test your boundaries.
You have two choices, based on what has and has not worked so far. You could take him for lunch once every six months and try “gray rocking” – giving a small, rotating list of neutral, nonemotional responses. Those could include: “OK.” Or “I see.” Or “Keep the faith.” But know that whatever you say or do, however benign, can be weaponized to provoke a reaction, and as much as we try, everyone has their breaking point. (“‘OK?’ What kind of response is that? You’re my brother!”)
What happens if gray rocking doesn’t work? Then it could be time for detachment and noncontact. That doesn’t just mean not returning emails or blocking his calls. It also involves detaching your own emotions from your brother, and deciding – and saying out loud, if you have to – “I’ve had a lifetime of this chaos, and it’s time to let him go. I am not a hostage to other people’s struggles and manipulations. I deserve a peaceful life, and I will seek one.”
Your brother has a history of theft, drug charges and repeatedly squandering opportunities that are handed to him, including an inheritance. History has taught you that pouring out your time, energy and emotions will similarly come to nought. You are not equipped to deal with his problems, and it is not your responsibility to deal with them. If your phone gives him 24/7 access, the time has come to block him. You have every right to set boundaries in your own life.
I suspect you will feel greatly relieved and experience life anew.
Related: ‘It’s an expensive piece of equipment’: My neighbor asked to borrow my snowblower. Do I say yes?
More columns from Quentin Fottrell:
‘She spent $1,000 a month on weight-loss drugs’: My son wrecked his finances after meeting his girlfriend. Who’s to blame?
Can I stop my kids from using their inheritance to support political causes I vehemently oppose?
My wife’s credit-card payment is three months overdue. As an authorized user, am I in trouble?
