‘Every year his very wealthy parents say that he needs to “earn more” before he can marry me’
“When we started dating, he said we could get married after he finished his undergraduate degree. Then it became after his master’s.” (Photo subjects are models.)
Dear Quentin,
I am a 39-year-old woman dating a 42-year-old man who works as a freelance tennis coach. We have been dating for five years, and every year his very wealthy parents say that he needs to “earn more” before he can marry me.
He also has bipolar disorder and, at least once a year, loses all his clients and has to go to treatment for a few weeks. This means he is likely never going to make what his parents want anytime soon – if ever.
They have told him that he can’t get married until he makes at least $50,000 a year. I feel like this is setting us both up for failure because he has never cracked $40,000 in his life and only surpassed $20,000 last month.
When we started dating, he said we could get married after he finished his undergraduate degree. Then it became after his master’s. Now his parents are saying he has to make a specific amount of money.
His parents and family are all good people. His dad likes me, but I would like some insight from you into how very wealthy parents – they make over $300,000 a year – tend to think about their children getting married.
Despite that, we live comfortably and frugally. Am I crazy, or are these “real” concerns from his parents? Or do they simply not want him to get married to me? Is this something I should bring up to his dad (who approves of me) or not?
The Girlfriend
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at [email protected]. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
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Your boyfriend’s parents may be using money as a proxy for their unwillingness to approve this union and/or inability to let go of having control over their son.
Dear Girlfriend,
I have a Valentine’s Day message for you, but you won’t read it in a Hallmark card.
The fact that you feel the need to have a discussion about whether or not it’s a good time to marry your boyfriend with his father – unless it’s to gently ask him “why” he feels this way and “how” it’s not his role to decide – tells me that you’re probably not quite ready for this kind of commitment. You should be having this conversation with your boyfriend, and if you both feel like you need permission from his family to make those vows – and sign that marriage contract – the answer reveals itself.
And the fact that your boyfriend takes his lead from his parents on whether or not to marry is another clue to the state of your relationship. Enjoy your life together today and tomorrow, but until you’re both prepared to stand on your own feet, emotionally and financially free from the Greek chorus of opinion, it’s better to keep learning and growing together. There may come a time when you decide, “Let’s do this.” Until that happens, I’m not sure I can advise you to make the leap.
If he is going to allow his parents and his salary to dictate whether or not you wed, that’s a choice, and it implies that the answer may be hiding in plain sight.
There are three issues: 1) Your boyfriend’s parents may be using money as a proxy for their unwillingness to approve this union and/or inability to let go of having control over their son. 2) This is a very rocky start to your life together; after five years, it’s both disappointing and destabilizing to have four voices guiding this relationship (you, your boyfriend and his parents). 3) The longer you put off the marriage question, the longer you may postpone having a family (although the two are not necessarily intertwined).
Actually, there is also a fourth issue: It’s easier and more convenient for your boyfriend to stand behind his parents’ objections as a reason not to get married than to say he doesn’t want to do it. If he is going to allow his parents and his salary to dictate whether or not you wed, that’s a choice, and it implies that the answer may be hiding in plain sight. If marriage is dependent on conditions that your boyfriend is unlikely to meet – and he accepts them – the delay and obfuscation may be your reality, your status quo. By not taking a stand, your boyfriend is taking a stand.
Marriage and money
Don’t misunderstand me: That does not mean you should not get married. It just means that you have work to do on yourselves – perhaps couples counseling where you can discuss both your feelings towards each other, his parents’ involvement, and how your boyfriend’s mental-health diagnosis impacts your relationship and/or your ability to secure a financial future. It might be that being self-employed is not the best option for your boyfriend if he needs hospitalization every year for weeks at a time.
There’s no “magic number” for marriage – there’s not even one for retirement – but financial stability is positively correlated with happy marriages. Married men also tend to earn more than single men, if some studies are to be believed, and marriage in general is more positively correlated with high earners. Men with higher education levels are also more likely to marry than men with less education. People also meet their sweethearts in college or at jobs that require similar qualifications.
There will be many times in your future when your boyfriend will be pulled by different priorities – whether it’s a demanding boss or client.
“While more-educated women have the highest chances for a long-term marriage, college-educated men also stand out,” the think tank Pew Research says. “Roughly two-thirds of men with a bachelor’s degree could expect that, if they marry, their first marriage will last 20 years or longer, compared with 50% of men with a high-school diploma or less. In addition, men with a higher level of education are more likely to get married in the first place when compared with less-educated men.”
The choice is, in part, between you and the love you share and your prospective in-laws’ opinions. There will be many times during your marriage, if/when you tie the knot, when your boyfriend will be pulled by different priorities – whether it’s standing up to a boss who wants him to work 12 hours a day, or a client who puts demands on his time – and he will have to be able to find the words and the mettle to say, “No. This is my life and my marriage, and I choose my wife over this.”
There is a lack of confidence here among all parties – you, your boyfriend and his parents – that gives me pause.
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-Quentin Fottrell
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