My husband and I have two small children. We’ve seen two sets of our married friends with kids separate, and a third is in the process. How can we avoid the same trap?
Someone once gave me a great piece of advice: “Spoil your spouse, not your kids.” It’s one of the best marriage-saving principles you’ll ever follow.
The problem is, many of today’s parents have flipped that around. They pour all their time, energy, attention and affection into their children, often with the best of intentions. They don’t realize it can come at the cost of their marriages.
They treat their kids like adorable, high-maintenance poodles to be pampered and permed. They buy them expensive toys, sign them up for the most prestigious club sports or arts programs and clothe them in the latest fashions.
They outsource the traditional family chores to robot vacuums, maid services and landscapers so their little poodles never have to lift a paw. Add in a tablet at 2, a phone at 6 and video games by 9, and the child has an all-access pass to the world’s most addictive nannies.
Meanwhile, their investment in old-fashioned virtues like integrity, respect and diligence has gone the way of the clock radio. Good grades and pleasure have become the new proof that all is well with their kids, even if it’s not.
Parents dote, prod and tinker. They flatten every obstacle, cushion every fall and hover so closely that their kids never learn to stand on their own.
In short, they spoil.
And while most of us can spot this problem a mile away in other families, we’re often oblivious to it in our own.
The consequences of such child-centered living aren’t limited to bratty behavior or screen addiction. When kids become the nucleus of the household, the marriage itself starts to drift.
There’s a good reason for that: hyper-focusing on anything outside the marriage — whether it’s career, coin or kids — amplifies differences and strains unity. You’d think there’d be agreement about how to spoil a child, but in reality, it can be a battlefield.
Overscheduled kids mean overscheduled parents. Conflicting sports schedules, recitals and birthday parties pile tension onto two adults who already have jobs and lives of their own. Spoiling also costs money — lots of it — and financial stress is a fast track to marital strife.
Spoiling creates entitlement in the child, resulting in tantrums and defiance. Parents often clash on how to handle the meltdowns.
I see marital conflict firsthand during parent conferences, with many parents unable to give the illusion of peace for even 20 minutes. Parents easily agree that they want their children to have good grades, but the blame starts flying when the child fails to produce what they want.
And when the parents are divorced, their lingering hostility often exposes the very fractures that split their home in the first place as they claw at each other over raising their child.
I can’t help but think: If they had focused as fiercely on each other as they did on their children, things might have turned out differently.
It’s not hard to imagine how spoiling your spouse might change the tone of those arguments:
“Honey, I’m sure you’re correct.”
“No, dear, I think your idea has merit, too. Let’s compromise.”
That’s a marriage where the prize is peace, not the child’s approval.
Of course, “spoiling” your spouse doesn’t mean showering them with gifts or ignoring your children. It means prioritizing your partner: serving, supporting and showing affection in ways your kids can see and feel. It means caring for kids in concord instead of conflict.
When parents protect time for each other — valuing date nights, conversation, shared interests and intimacy — they build a home where children feel truly secure.
Kids who see their parents loving each other this way don’t feel neglected; they feel safe. They grow with more responsibility and less spoilage because mom and dad are devoted to taking care of each other. That kind of love costs far less than a smartphone and lasts far longer than a soccer trophy.
So spoil your spouse, not your kids. Your marriage will thrive, and so will your children.
Jody Stallings has been an award-winning teacher in Charleston since 1992 and is director of the Charleston Teacher Alliance. To submit a question, order his books or follow him on social media, visit JodyStallings.com.
