God give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
We all remember the words of The Serenity Prayer tacked on our bedroom wall in the 1960s. I was oblivious to the actual meaning of the text. I just remember it was cool.
If only I had paid attention to the words.
How many times do we have to be hit on the head and reminded we cannot control other people.
We cannot change other people. The only thing we can change is our reactions to other people’s behaviour.
I know what you are thinking. I know all this. Why is she preaching to the choir?
Because I am thinking we haven’t learned this important lesson, and I think an American author and speaker, Mel Robbins, would agree with me.
She has recently published a New York Times bestseller called The Let Them Theory. I had never heard of this book, but when two friends bought copies of the book, I started to pay attention.
The Let Them Theory has generated a lot of buzz because it distills a complex emotional struggle – trying to control other people – into a simple, memorable mindset shift: let them. The core idea is that much of our stress and resentment comes from over-managing others’ reactions, choices and behaviours.
In an era of constant comparison and emotional overload, The Let Them Theory offers a clear, repeatable phrase that helps people let go of what they can’t control – and focus on what they can.
I bought a copy of the book and devoured it in one day.
I didn’t learn anything new, but I was guilty of not practising what the author is proposing.
In her own words, “the Let Them Theory is about freedom. Two simple words – Let Them – will free you from the burden of trying to manage other people. When you stop obsessing over what other people think, say or do, you finally have the energy to focus on your own life. You stop reacting and start living.”
I know my one friend who bought the book has an unmotivated husband who won’t get off the couch. The other gal has friends who judge her as she chooses to remain in her marriage, which is going through a rocky phase.
I felt confident there was a message for me. I have two amazing daughters who don’t speak to each other after having a falling-out during COVID.
I am heartbroken and have done everything in my power to “fix” the problem. I even paid for counselling for all of us, to no avail. One daughter is angry at me for interfering and not being considerate of her feelings, and the other is angry at me for not solving the problem. No matter how much I have pleaded and begged and cried, the chasm is irreparable.
I had to make a choice. Back off. Let them be.
This book confirmed my reaction as the second part of this equation is called Let Me. Let me pay attention to my own mental health. Let me continue to love them and support them and give them the space they need.
It’s not my job to rescue them. Robbins says, “believe in their ability to heal, and create an environment where change is possible.”
And give me the serenity, courage and wisdom to do so with love.
