Some kids seem to be an absolute breeze as far as their behaviour’s concerned, whereas other parents feel like their work’s truly cut out for them. But why is this?
It can’t all be down to how you’ve parented because some siblings are raised very similarly and yet can still behave wildly different.
“Parents of well behaved kids – what are the biggest causes do you think?” asked a curious parent to a six-month-old baby on Reddit’s popular r/Parenting forum.
Addressing parents of older kids who are “really well behaved (for the most part…)”, the parent asked: “What do you attribute that to the most? Did you have any over-arching philosophies that helped? Or anything you did that you think made the biggest difference?”
They added that besides enforcing the rule that “no means no”, they “have no idea” how they would discipline their child in the future.
And after spending some time with a friend’s three-year-old, who “did not listen AT ALL and actually almost hit my baby”, they wanted all the tips.
One commenter suggested the biggest contributor, in their view, seemed to be temperament and genetics.
Another parent seconded this answer: “After having two kids who were more [or] less raised the same with totally different behavioural outcomes, I can’t understate the role that genetics and temperament plays into things.”
“Temperament 90%,” said another parent. “I have two boys, two years apart, same parents and parenting style. They couldn’t be more different. One doesn’t listen and pushes limits, the other one an angel.”
“I could have written this post,” said another caregiver. “I really did think our wonderful first child was the result of superior parenting. Second kid was also pretty awesome. This 3rd child though… something went wrong, lol.”
“Good routines. Prioritise their sleep!!!! This is huge. And yes, no means no. Also don’t overdo the screen time,” said one respondent.
Another parent said “routines, boundaries, and expectations” have worked well for them. “Kids are typically more well-behaved when they know what is expected of them,” they added.
A few parents noted boundaries are important – as are having consequences if lines are crossed.
“If kids know you will not be a push over and follow through – they will learn to listen,” said one parent. “Adults live in constant understanding that their actions have consequences, we as adults can cannot do whatever we want to do and neither can kids. Life has [a] consequence for everything you do and children need to learn that early and if they do, they end up being great humans.”
“Set logical boundaries, enforce them with natural consequences,” added another Redditor. “Throwing your food? I guess you’re all done, I’ll take it away. Simple things like that. Be predictable and consistent.”
A few parents noted that kids will copy how parents behave themselves. “They do what you do, not what you say. Screaming stressed household? Screaming stressed kid. Whatever they grow up with, is what they believe is normal,” said one commenter.
“I think modelling politeness and kindness goes a long way,” said another. “And yeah… upholding boundaries from a very young age. Like before they can even speak, if they are throwing a tantrum in public it’s just a calm ‘ooo we can’t disturb others so let’s go outside!’ And then do it every single time.”
Another said: “One thing within our control (not temperament or genetics) that I think really helped was modelling empathy and being vocal about feelings and situations with others. Overall, my kids are pretty kind and caring towards their peers, strangers, and even each other.”
“Every kid is different, every family dynamic is different, so what works for me is not what will work for everyone,” said one parent. “But what I found the most helpful was being proactive in telling my kid what she does RIGHT.
“I think kids hear no a lot. But they don’t always know where to go from there. And they need to hear yes. So I have always been very proactive in saying things like, ‘Hey, I noticed your excellent manners in the store. Good job. I’m proud of how you spoke so nicely to the cashier and held the door for the lady who had her hands full.’ Specific and positive feedback gives them something you shoot for.”
“Modelling and connection, as in real connection every day” is important, suggested another Redditor. “Give them your time generously, look them in the eyes and listen. Every day.”
Perhaps the most relatable comment, though, was from a parent who said: “After having two daughters who seem to have completely different personalities and tendencies, I am convinced that I have no idea what the heck is going on.”
