Now more than ever, adult children’s relationships with their parents matter, and not just when the kids still live at home with aging parents. Due to complex economic and social reasons, more young adults live with their parents now than in previous generations. A 2022 survey from Pew Research Center found that half of adults between the ages of 18 and 29 were living with one or both of their parents. This can make parents of fully grown children even more tired of hearing some of these most common, irritating phrases.
Regardless of whether these grown children live at home with their parents or are out on their own, learning how to talk to each other and establish clear boundaries can help parents and their adult children navigate the storms of their changing relationships. After all, inter-generational relationships offer many benefits to the older and younger generations and they’re well worth making stronger.
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Adult children tend to say this phrase when their parents offer advice that they don’t want to listen to. Instead of accepting their parents’ years of wisdom, they say, “You’re so old-fashioned,” which is a fairly dismissive response.
Parents of adult children get tired of hearing this phrase because it discounts their experience. Even if their advice is old-fashioned, there’s a lot their kids can learn from them. While some traditions are better off left in the past, other old-fashioned habits may be helpful, based on wisdom and experience.
If you’re the parent of a grown child, especially if they live with you, you’re probably tired of hearing the phrase, “You wouldn’t understand.” When adult children tell their parents that they don’t understand what they’re going through, it can make parents feel dismissed and unappreciated.
In a study reported in the journal Psychology and Aging, researchers looked at both individual tensions and relationship tensions between older people and their kids. They defined individual tensions as behaviors that have to do with independence and self-care, including jobs, education, finances, housekeeping, health, and lifestyle. Researchers pointed to the importance of a high-quality relationship between adult children and their parents, as it can be a valuable source of emotional support for everyone involved.
Parents don’t particularly like hearing that they can’t be of service to their adult children when it comes to offering guidance, which is why they’re tired of hearing this phrase. They may also be concerned about their child. After all, parents never stop caring about the well-being of their kids.
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Being concerned about their children, even when they’ve reached adulthood, isn’t exactly something parents can turn off at will. An adult child might tell their parents not to worry from a place of care and consideration, yet they should also recognize that their parents’ worry is an extension of their love.
While worrying is normal, it’s possible for parents to become so overwhelmed with anxiety that it negatively impacts the quality of their life and their relationship with their adult children. Of course, not all worrying is necessary or healthy.
According to psychologist Nick Wignall, “Emotionally intelligent people are experts at understanding the mental habits and thought patterns that generate their emotional responses,” he explains. “They recognize that their anxiety is the result of their habit of worrying.”
“They view their emotions — especially the painful ones — as messengers trying to communicate information,” he continues. That’s why it’s hard to turn off these emotions, they feel like parental instincts. Ideally, adult children can respect their parents’ concerns while being reassuring in a less dismissive way.
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This phrase is a common refrain from adult children, used whenever they feel like their parents are challenging their decision-making abilities. Sometimes this concern is justified, sometimes it’s not, and it can be hard for a young adult to know how to earn their parents’ trust.
Relationship expert Kurtis Pykes shares that earning someone’s trust depends on honest and consistent communication, as well as holding yourself accountable for what you said you would do or for what you’ve done wrong.
“When you own your mistakes, you display a high level of self-awareness,” Pykes says, “which implicitly communicates to others that you have a conscience.”
Most parents do trust their adult children. When they ask questions or challenge their adult children’s actions, it’s usually not due to lack of trust. However, when their child says this phrase to a concerned parent, a little more trust may be lost.
This phrase is a common one, especially during moments of conflict. When emotions run high, it’s easy for adult children and parents to talk over each other, and feel like the other person isn’t actually listening. Once the interruptions start, psychologists explain that people can feel unheard, disrespected and even like the other person is trying to control them.
Former US diplomat and career consultant Ruth Schimel, Ph.D., shares just how important listening is to building close relationships with others. “Your listening is a great, intangible gift to give to others and to yourself,” she explains. “But it takes time, attention, and consistency to excel.”
Learning to listen well is a skill that can benefit both adult children and their parents, as it is a skill few people learn but most people can use. Once both parties start listening better, real trust can flourish.
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Most parents work really hard to provide unconditional support and love to their children over the course of their lives, which is one reason why parents of adult children are tired of hearing the phrase, “You’re always so critical.”
First and foremost, absolute terms like “always” and “never” are rarely helpful because they’re not accurate. There isn’t a good parent alive who is literally always critical of their child.
According to Leon F Seltzer, Ph.D., these absolute terms are not helpful — but they’re also not worth fighting over. Instead, he suggests focusing on the fact that the person using these terms feels that way at the moment and arguing the accuracy of the terminology won’t help solve that problem. It might even make it worse.
Sometimes adult children perceive their parents as being critical without any foundation for that assessment. Of course, there’s always the chance the parent is being critical. So if you relate to “you’re always so critical” being one of the phrases your fully grown child uses too often, perhaps pause and see if there’s a reason why!
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Parents of adult children are tired of hearing “I don’t want to talk about it” whenever they initiate complicated or emotional conversations. This phrase is especially common with men and older boys, so much so that iconic therapist Terrence Real named his book about men and mental health I Don’t Want To Talk About It.
Saying this phrase is an abrupt way to shut down communication. It can make parents feel alienated and isolated from their adult children’s inner world. The phrase also makes it hard for parents to to feel close to their adult children and understand what’s going on in their lives.
You can’t force someone to talk about something they don’t want to talk about, even if they’re your child. According to Joanna Schroeder, a parenting expert and author of the book Talk To Your Boys, “All you can really do is make your presence available, and let them know you’ll be there, once they’re ready. And once they are, do your best to be a good listener and approach their feelings with curiosity and compassion rather than judgement.
When parents hear this phrase repeatedly, it can make them feel like their adult children don’t value them or see their relationship as important. Hearing this phrase often can make parents feel like their relationship is one-sided or imbalanced.
According to a survey from Pew Research Center, most parents are in close contact with their adult children: 73% reported texting with them and 54% reported talking on the phone or video chatting at least a few times a week. Still, many parents of fully grown children wish their kids would call more and are deeply wounded when they say, “I don’t have time to call.”
Establishing boundaries around communication is important, as is having a sense of independence. Yet staying in touch helps parents and adult children feel connected, which supports their overall emotional well-being. Often, grown children don’t realize how valuable that connection time can be to them, as well.
A phrase parents of adult children are tired of hearing is, “Stop treating me like a child.” Often, this phrase is used when their parents are expressing care or concern. Adult children say this phrase as a way to assert their autonomy, but it often comes as defensive or ungrateful.
While sometimes an adult child might be treated like a child because they are being immature or irresponsible, often it’s simply a matter of habit. During a discussion on the American Psychology Association’s podcast, professor Laurence Steinberg explained the emotional clash that often occurs between parents and their adult children, explaining, “Individuals have a strong need for autonomy, a strong need to, what we say in psychology is to, individuate from their parents,” Steinberg said. “And I think that parents often aren’t sensitive to this.”
Steinberg notes that parents should do their best to remember that this phrase is not intended as a personal affront. “It’s about your young adult child’s need to establish a sense of autonomy to demonstrate to you and to themselves that they’re capable of handling adulthood without having to rely on their parents.”
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Finances can be an especially sensitive subject between parents and their adult children. While some parents are willing and able to provide financial assistance to their adult children, others might not have the same means. When adult children ask for money on a consistent basis, it can make parents feel like they only value them for financial support.
Pew Research Center determined that 45% of young adults between the ages of 18 and 34 report being completely financially independent from their parents. Even though so many adult children rely on their parents for financial support, 75% say they’ll eventually become financially independent from their parents.
A parent’s decision to give their adult children money is deeply personal. No matter what they decide, it’s important to set clear financial boundaries and maintain open communication about what the financial transaction means to both parents and their adult children.
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Parents are tired of hearing their adult children say the phrase “It’s my life, not yours,” especially when they’re giving advice or emotional support. While the meaning behind this phrase is true — an adult child’s life is theirs to determine — the tone of the phrase sounds dismissive and harsh.
It can be hard for parents to watch their adult children struggle or make mistakes, but that’s part of the learning process. Making the transition to adulthood is never easy. Adult children are bound to make missteps, which can sometimes strain the relationship they have with their parents.
As their adult children embark on their life’s journey, it’s important for parents to remember that they did everything they could to raise their kids up right. According to therapist Eli Harwood, an adolescent or young adult child demanding their independence is actually a very good thing!
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