Here’s a common scenario in my office. Two people sit on opposite ends of the couch, bodies angled away from each other, with tension in the air palpable. One stares at the floor while the other crosses their arms. They interrupt, correct, defend and then … silence. Somewhere along the way, they’ve lost the ability to truly hear one another.
“Well,” one of them finally says, glancing over, “We love each other.”
Love.
Is it enough to save this relationship? Sustain any relationship?
Love is often defined by feelings: exhilaration and excitement, deep connection and attraction. Yet both ancient wisdom and decades of psychological research tell us that feelings fluctuate based on your age and where you are in your relationship. They’re influenced by hormones, stress, kids, work, friendships and time itself. What feels magnetic at 28 may evolve into a quieter, steadier closeness at 48.
Researchers who study long-term relationships often describe love as it changes through stages. Early romantic love is driven heavily by novelty and dopamine — intense, consuming and biologically designed to bond us. Over time, that intensity naturally shifts into a more companionable form of love that’s rooted in attachment, shared history and emotional safety.
The problem isn’t that feelings change; it’s that many couples expect them not to. When the intensity softens and the novelty fades, the disagreements begin. We assume something is wrong, but this progression is normal.
The Greek language offers words to describe love, each with different meanings: eros, romantic or passionate love, philia, deep friendship or loyalty, agape, unconditional, spiritual love, and philautia, self-love. The Greeks knew that love isn’t one dimensional; it’s multifaceted and ever-changing. There is one last and really important word: pragma, an enduring and committed love that’s built over time.
If we envision our feelings as a vast and unpredictable ocean, pragma is the lighthouse. It’s steady, intentional and built to withstand the elements. If your idea of love includes pragma — and the willingness to work through the changing seasons of a relationship — then, yes, love may very well be enough.
Here’s the truth: You can deeply love someone and still be unable to communicate or connect effectively. In my work and in my almost 23 years of marriage, I have found five qualities that are essential to a healthy, long term relationship.
According to Harvard Medical School, safety is essential to feeling loved. More than affection, emotional regulation in a relationship results in feelings of warmth and connectedness. When strong, negative emotions are directed at someone you love, they go into fight or flight mode, making connection impossible. When an environment is emotionally regulated, connection becomes possible, oxytocin, our bonding neurochemical, increases and our responses become more predictable.
Rituals like long, shared meals, slow mornings and quiet check-ins at bedtime help ensure more emotional regulation in relationships.
Can you disagree respectfully? Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship, but when arguments become too personal or when the goal shifts from solving a problem to winning or wounding, we have an issue to address.
You can be angry, hurt and frustrated, but in healthy relationships, there’s a line you don’t cross. You protect the person you love even when you don’t like them in the moment.
How do we do this? Once again, it’s all about regulating emotions. Breathe, take a walk, shift your perspective and remember what drew you to this person. Then you’ll be able to respond rather than react. Dialectal Behavioral Therapy can also help you develop powerful skills to help regulate emotions and reactivity.
Do you realize your partner is going to grow and change over the course of your relationship perhaps in different ways than you? Are you willing to get to know them again and again?
Curiosity is what allows long-term love to stay alive. I once heard an elderly man, who was married to his wife for over forty years, refer to her as his “girlfriend.” At the time, it struck me as sweet. Now I understand it more deeply. In the early stages of dating, we ask questions, we lean in and really study the person in front of us.
That posture doesn’t have to disappear once we say “I do.”
Curiosity also is essential in conflict. We need to approach our partners with the desire to learn more about why they think and feel differently, rather than assume. Curiosity will always lead us to a productive solution faster than assumption.
In fact, relationships thrive when we continue discovering each other over a lifetime. Asking questions as simple as “How are you feeling these days about me, yourself and our relationship?” or “Is there anything you are feeling that you want to talk about?” Curiosity keeps love dynamic instead of static.
Shared values serve as the compass of a relationship. Without them, we can lose direction during the darker seasons of life.
When I got engaged at 26, my husband Ed and I didn’t appear to have much in common. He’s Puerto Rican; I’m Sri Lankan. He grew up in a family of factory and construction workers. My parents immigrated to this country as physicians. On paper, our worlds looked very different.
But beneath the surface, we shared something deeper. We shared faith. We shared a commitment to family. We shared a belief in hard work, generosity and perseverance. Our values aligned, even when our backgrounds did not.
Over the years that alignment has mattered far more than surface similarities. When life is stressful — raising children, navigating career changes and caring for aging parents — our shared values have become the stabilizing force. These values help guide decisions, move in the same direction and even the terrain when the road seems uncertain.
Attraction may bring two people together, but shared values help them stay aligned over time.
Are you both willing to do the work? The relationship can’t improve if only one person is willing to do the work.
Before we got married I made my husband promise that if we ever needed to go to couples therapy, he would agree. I’ve held him to that promise and he has honored it.
We needed couples therapy, not because our marriage was failing, but because we wanted it to succeed. Recognizing the need for help is not a weakness, it is a testimony to the strength of a relationship.
Growth doesn’t always mean therapy. It can mean breaking unhealthy patterns, encouraging your partner to pursue a dream that makes you anxious, or standing beside someone during a difficult transition.
The couples who last are the ones willing to grow, both individually and together.
Research shows that in some couples married more than 20 years, brain scans still reveal dopamine activity similar to early romantic love when they see their partner. The spark can return not because the relationship is new, but because the attachment is strong.
Perhaps if you’ve made it this far, you’ve experienced this yourself. You’ve worked through hard seasons, remembered why you respect each other and created new experiences together.
Love may begin as chemistry, but lasting love is a choice reinforced by daily actions, repaired through conflict and strengthened through shared commitment.
So is love enough?
If your love is rooted in commitment and given room to grow, yes, love is more than enough.
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