‘It’s things like this that make me wonder what else she might be doing’
“Dealing with my mother and my stepsister is exhausting and causes me a lot of anxiety.” (Photo subject is a model.)
Dear Quentin,
My 91-year-old mother is in hospice. She’s stable now, but who knows for how long. I’m part of a blended family that didn’t blend well. My stepfather has already passed away. I hold the power of attorney for my mother.
Before my stepfather died, they put everything into a trust, and their wills state that all six of us children will split everything evenly once both of them have passed. The will states that anyone who contests it will be excluded. My stepsister and I are co-executors, but her past actions have caused me not to trust her. She does a lot of things behind my mom’s back.
Just last week, my mom received a notification from her bank that her address had been changed to my stepsister’s address. My mom was very upset about that and asked her about it. My stepsister said, “Oh, that was a long time ago, before my dad passed, and it was his idea,” but her dad died almost six months ago.
Transparency is missing
It’s things like this that make me wonder what else she might be doing. I’m the type of person who believes in transparency. Even if she isn’t doing anything wrong, I feel she shouldn’t be doing things without at least discussing them with my mom first, which she doesn’t.
I’ve given the bank all the POAs and the trust documents, as well as my stepfather’s death certificate. All of my mom’s accounts name the trust as the beneficiary. I met with the banker, and we made some changes to my mom’s accounts to facilitate easier handling once she passes. I think I’ve got everything squared away, but I can never be sure.
I’ll once again have to call the bank tomorrow to ask about this change-of-address notification. Dealing with my mother and my stepsister is exhausting and causes me a lot of anxiety. Once my mom passes, can I hire an attorney or CPA to take my place as co-executor?
I just want to make sure everything is aboveboard and done properly.
Daughter & Stepsister
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at [email protected]. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
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A surreptitious change of address does not bode well for your mother’s estate planning.
I have a question whose answer you may not like: In order for your stepsister to change your mother’s address for her bank account, she would legally and ethically require your mother’s permission. To do this online, she would need access to your mother’s passwords. As the person who holds her power of attorney, your first priority should be to change these passwords, contact her bank and ask them to alert you to any other unauthorized changes.
It is both illegal and unethical to change your mother’s personal details, including her bank account address, without her knowledge and/or consent. Unauthorized changes are often a sign of fraud, identity theft or elder financial abuse, which can result in civil and criminal charges. Ask the bank how and when these changes were made, and alert them to the fact that your mother is in hospice.
An executor can solve problems, or cause them.
As for co-executor roles, removing yourself would not make this go any easier, and you cannot simply hire a third party to replace you. If anything, your mother should take this change-of-address fiasco as a warning and, if she has testamentary capacity, act now to remove your stepsister as co-executor and replace her with a professional fiduciary or another family member. A surreptitious change of bank details does not bode well for your mother’s estate planning.
Among the many qualities you want in an executor (in addition to those you want in a sister) are trust, competence, good communication skills, financial savvy and reliability. Your stepsister cannot be trusted. Her excuse for changing the address on your mother’s account does not pass muster, even if your mother has been moved into a hospice facility. You hold the power of attorney, not her. It is not her job to make these kinds of decisions, and certainly no one should act unilaterally.
An executor can solve problems, or cause them. “Choosing the right executor is essential for a smooth estate-administration process. A capable executor can help prevent delays, resolve conflicts, and protect your legacy, ensuring your loved ones are cared for according to your wishes,” says Surratt Law, which is based in Reno, Nev. “The key elements in choosing the right executor would apply to choosing the right successor trustee.”
Responsibilities of an executor
The responsibilities of an executor, the law firm notes, include: “Ensuring the probate process begins appropriately. Protecting and distributing your property as outlined in your will. Settling outstanding obligations and filing any necessary tax returns. Keeping heirs informed and addressing any concerns. “Given the complexities involved,” it adds, “it’s crucial to choose someone who is not only trustworthy but also capable of handling these responsibilities effectively.”
Are these the kinds of important tasks you want to give a person who has already shown themselves to have bad judgment at best, and to be untrustworthy at worst? I don’t think so. Your mother surely has a great deal on her mind at the moment, but it would be much easier to do this now than to wait for more shenanigans after she’s gone. Things will be stressful enough in the wake of her passing, and on top of that you will have to watch your stepsister like a hawk.
You will have to watch your stepsister like a hawk.
At that point, to remove an executor or trustee, you would have to submit a formal petition to the probate court, citing all the reasons you wish your stepsider to be removed, which could include breach of fiduciary duty or mismanagement of the family trust. You would also need to present documented evidence of misconduct such as financial irregularities or missed deadlines and, last but not least, appear at a court hearing for a final ruling by the judge.
There could also be a long wait, depending on your state’s laws. “If you believe that an executor has breached their fiduciary duty, you can request an accounting of the estate 15 months after their appointment,” according to Romano & Sumner, a law firm based in Sugar Land, Texas. “The 15-month rule is alarming and frustrating for concerned beneficiaries because they worry that their inheritance will be stolen or dissipated before they can do anything about it.
“If the information you receive suggests a breach of fiduciary duty, you can file a motion with the probate court to have the executor removed,” it adds. “Whether or not they will receive notice depends on the reason for their removal: if there is evidence of embezzlement, there will likely be no notice. If the issue is something along the lines of failure to return an inventory and list of claims to the court, the executor will receive 30 days’ written notice.”
Act now. Save yourself all that trouble.
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