Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star and based in Toronto. Send her relationship questions via email: [email protected]
Q I’m a 28-year-old man, single, living in my parents’ basement. I have a good job. I’m responsible and pay my bills, but I only have a cellphone and a car, so that’s easy to manage. I would make my own breakfast but when I come upstairs in the mornings, my mom always has coffee brewing and eggs on the stove or pancakes or something tasty.
She even makes me a lunch to take to work and dinner is always waiting for me when I get home. I clean up after meals, help around the house and do my own laundry. Should I be doing more? Not allowing her to do so much? I’m confused.
Grown Man
A I know the cost of living is high but you, my friend, should be living on your own. Of your own mention, you have a good paying job, you’re responsible and pay your own bills, you’re capable of cleaning up after yourself and doing your own laundry. It’s time you move out of your parents’ home.
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Your mom is making you coffee and breakfast because she can and she enjoys it. She’s probably making breakfast and dinner for your dad, so making a little extra for you isn’t a problem. But making you a brown bag lunch for you to take to work? At 28? Come on, dude! That’s embarrassing!
You call yourself a grown man, which you are, so now it’s time to grow up. Move out.
Q Last week, while out for dinner with some friends, one of the women I was with started talking about her ex-boyfriend’s mother. She wasn’t saying anything specifically horrendous or untoward, thankfully, but she was going on and on. After a while, and as the meal progressed and the topics shifted to many other things, I forgot about what that woman had been discussing.
While we were still gossiping over after dinner drinks, an elegant woman walked over to our table. She spoke pointedly to the woman who had been discussing her ex’s mom. “My dear,” she said, “You should be more discreet when discussing other people. You never know who is nearby.” And she walked away.
Now my dinner companion is freaking out wondering who that woman was and what exactly she had said, and if it will get back to her ex. How can I help her?
Gossip Girl
A There’s nothing you can really do. Your friend just learned a very valuable lesson, which is to not speak badly about anyone, ever, but especially not in a public setting. That elegant woman could be a relative, a friend, a colleague or a neighbour of her exes’ mom. Or she could just be a wise woman trying to teach your friend some manners.
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Take that lesson, even though it wasn’t aimed at you, and learn from it. Never speak badly about anyone, especially when out in public. If you have something not nice to say, say it to yourself, out loud, in the shower. Now you’ve got it out of your system, no one’s heard it, and no one’s hurt by it.
FEEDBACK Regarding sex on the beach (March 22):
Reader: “I feel a teaching opportunity was missed. It does require tact and diplomacy, together with maybe a little humour. To say nothing is giving permission for that particular incident. It also gives permission to repeat and even escalate. I think society is at the state we are at because people are not speaking out.
“I admit I don’t do this as much anymore, even tactfully, because I could get a gun pulled on me.”
Reader 2: “Twentysomethings don’t know it’s inappropriate to have sex on a beach next to other people? Come on! They knew exactly what they were doing and either didn’t care or found that having an audience was a turn-on. And if they haven’t learned what even 10-year-olds know — most of them instinctively — then they shouldn’t be allowed out in public without minders.
“Yes, the wisest course was for the mother to withdraw. Sadly, it’s what we’re all forced to do nowadays. And that’s why public space is so frequently given over to the badly behaved — to loud foul-mouthed louts, to self-appointed entertainment committees who decide what music everyone must endure and now, to rutting animals. Perhaps before beating a hasty retreat, the mother should have filled a pail with some icy cold lake or ocean water and dumped it on the raised-in-a-barn morons.”
