I know what I do isn’t what people think of as normal, but I wasn’t forced into it
DEAR DEIDRE: MY new boyfriend is lovely but I am terrified that he will finish with me if he finds out my big secret.
He is the first person I have truly felt something for in ages but I’m worried my work as an escort will make him question everything about me.
I am 23, he is 25. We’ve been together for a few months. I began escorting out of desperation.
My mum, who suffers from depression, had lost her job, and we were facing eviction. Her partner suggested it was a way to make easy money.
Sometimes clients just want a date but when they want more, I take them to mum’s partner’s house, where it feels safe. I have my own rules and, although the first time was scary, I’ve got used to it.
Now, I earn good money and we are no longer at risk of eviction. We can finally afford food and clothes but I lie to people about where the money comes from.
I know what I do isn’t what people think of as normal but I wasn’t forced into it, and I enjoy making money. It isn’t as seedy as it sounds — it’s just sex that doesn’t mean anything.
I have tried to find other work and took two weeks off to apply for jobs. I got some interviews but was so disappointed when I wasn’t successful.
I’ve finally found someone worth fighting for, but I worry my work could destroy our future. Do I tell him and hope he can accept it?
DEIDRE SAYS: You’re risking more than just your relationship. You may feel safe at your mum’s partner’s home but you are still vulnerable there. Please make sure you are getting regular sexual health checks.
It’s also concerning that this man may be acting as a pimp – which is a serious crime.
There is no denying many partners would find it too difficult to be in a relationship with a sex worker.
Taking two weeks to apply for work is a start but it will take more commitment to land a role. A new role is very likely to make you feel happier and more fulfilled.
And your reaction of disappointment when you didn’t get another job highlights how much you want a new start.
You would then be free from secrets and fear of them being uncovered.
My support pack Help For Job Seekers will help you with practical steps to finding work.
I’m also concerned that your mum, someone who should be looking out for your best interests, may be encouraging this arrangement.
You can talk in confidence to The Mix (themix.org.uk) who offer free counselling.
EX’S GUN PLAY WITH SON FURY
DEAR DEIDRE: ON one of his weekend visits, my ex got my son firing an air rifle and I’m furious. He is so irresponsible.
I am 42, my former husband is 46 and we divorced three years ago. Our son is 15. The gun belongs to my ex’s friend.
I am not entirely against my son learning to shoot, as long as it is with a qualified instructor.
My ex, who has no experience with firearms and isn’t an instructor, had him shooting it in a field.
I have raised my concerns but my ex thinks I’m overreacting. He insists he did nothing wrong and refuses to apologise to me or our son.
I am furious he put our son in such a dangerous situation with no regard for his safety.
His lack of responsibility is shocking. It’s clear that his judgment is seriously lacking when it comes to our son’s well-being.
DEIDRE SAYS: I do understand your worries – air rifles can be extremely dangerous if not handled properly.
However, your ex won’t respond well to criticism of his parenting.
Instead of demanding an apology, which he won’t give, try a positive solution.
Suggest either they both join a gun club or that he buys your son a course of shooting lessons.
This could turn it into a safe, shared hobby they enjoy together, ensuring your son learns gun safety and responsibility from an instructor.
I’M TOO SCARED TO LEAVE HER
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner once joked that she would destroy me if we ever split and now I’m terrified because I don’t love her any more.
I am 44 and my girlfriend is 38. We’ve been together for 19 years. We’re married in every sense. We share joint bank accounts, a mortgage and a life that is completely together.
She is my best friend and we have so many happy memories. Our social life revolves entirely around her and her family.
We have separate beds because of my snoring but we still have sex a few times a month.
Despite all this, the bottom line is that I’m no longer in love with her.
She talks about having children and I feel completely paralysed about what to do.
I know she’s given me the best years of her life and for me to walk away now, at her age, and when she wants a family, would break her.
I’m terrified of what it would do to her. But I also have this overwhelming desire to feel truly in love again.
I am so deeply unsure and completely afraid of how to navigate this without destroying the person I care about most.
DEIDRE SAYS: Ending your relationship will devastate your partner – and it’s a decision you may come to regret. Before you make such a permanent choice, at least try to rediscover the passion you once felt for her.
Be honest with her that you feel you have been drifting apart as a couple but that you want to work on regaining the closeness you used to share.
Ask yourself why these doubts are surfacing now, and why you’ve waited so long to have children.
Is there something about being a dad that feels deeply off-putting to you?
After nearly two decades together, it is absolutely worth getting professional counselling to resolve this.
Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, 020 7380 1960).
