After combing through the newest files — no, not those — we have had to come to terms with the fact that times are a-changin’. Whether we like it or not, new policies keep getting rolled out faster than the vultures in the dining hall leaping out of their seats as soon as a new “free food in the dhall!” email hits their inbox. The only way to keep up and move past the seven stages of grief is distraction! Diversion! Deflection! This means developing a list of new 20% caps that are easier to secure student approval for. Like actually.
1. Section Kids
They are not fun to deal with at 9 a.m. when all you care about is making it to lunch, so 20% is highkey too much, and it should probably be closer to a 1% cap. We could also cap their allotted speaking time — save us some airtime, please. Bonus points if the cap includes a touching-grass divisional requirement.
2. Athletes
Okay, this is not a dig at our incredibly talented peers. I mean, we really would not want to double-cross you guys and risk bearing the brunt of all your early morning lifts. This cap is instead targeted at those darn scooters that have resulted in more than 20%+4 student body near-deaths. We’ll leave it to you guys to fight it out and decide who gets to own one…
3. Emails to Mailing Lists
You may only send emails for 20%+4 of your clubs to your house email list. I don’t want to receive ten emails from the same person pubbing all ten of their clubs daily. I ALSO don’t need to hear about the same event ten times in a week, especially when it’s taking place a month from now. Take away email privileges!!! The email spam inflation needs to end!
4. IOP/HUCBE/HUCG Kids in Positions of Power
Let’s limit overlap with IOP/consulting groups in club leadership to a 20% maximum stake (no +4 here). Okay, look — we get it, you know how to make pretty slides, and you’re going to go work at MBB or the White House over the summer, and you love to hear the sound of your own voice. I’m just doing this club for fun (and for the snacks… fine). I do not need or want professional PowerPoint templates or a consulting group hierarchy implemented within club leadership.
5. Textbook Readings
We. Cannot. Keep. Dropping. $60. For. Every. Single. Class. The poor employees at Flash Print have honestly seen me more than my roommates have, and that is just beyond sad. While I understand the purpose of the no-electronic-devices policy, there must be a more cost-effective and environmentally friendly way to improve attention spans. AC, if you’re reading this, at least give us a 20% off coupon. Or, better yet, make printing free so we can pull our readings from Canvas and don’t have to walk all the way to Mount Auburn Street (it’ll also get us off our screens!). Thanks, queen.
6. Laundry
Think Hunger Games, but instead of being set in Panem, it’s set in the dingy basement of your dorm. And instead of having sponsors send you essential items like food and medicine, fellow students in your House or freshman dorm will decide who their employees of the week are. The lucky top 20% get access to working (!!) machines, given the small sample size of laundry goers and, most importantly, the peace of mind that others won’t take your clothes out and dump them on the ground. There’s no better intimidation tactic than knowing there are only a handful of people who could have possibly committed such an egregious act…
7. Quincy Lunch
Don’t get me wrong, I love the People’s House as much as the next guy. But being so welcoming bites you in the butt faster than you may realize. So much so that there is actually nowhere to sit if you arrive at 11:55 a.m., because the 11:45 a.m. Emerson Hall kids have beat you to the dhall. Hopefully, with this new cap being predicated on naming at least three Quincy dhall staff (s/o C*r**s, A*n*, and L**s), those of us with class in William James Hall can have a fair shot at one of those coveted window tables for once!
8. Housing Priority
To increase the stakes, we can incentivize freshmen to embrace the cutthroat spirit and competitive nature of being in the top 20%+4. Only the top 20% of students may select their houses in advance as freshmen. They’ll have to claw their way up to the top and select their blocking groups wisely. There is no such thing as “friends” or “pset buddies” when it comes to the bloodbath that is the housing lottery.
9. Flyby Blog
Only a select few compers are invited to join the esteemed Flyby Blog. After passing multiple comp rounds and not one, but three technical interviews, only the top 20% get to join. Just kidding — you’re all in the top 20% in my heart here!
Thanks for coming to our town hall meeting! We encourage your deliberation and will reconvene as more lengthy PDFs arrive in our inbox in the coming weeks. A formal Partiful invite is on its way. Do not fret!
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