Q. My ex has always tried to manage me. It has always been a problem and led to our breakup. I want to take our two adolescent sons, ages 10 and almost 12, zip lining next weekend. They are very excited. She said it was too dangerous, and she threatened to call the police if I tried to take them. I can do what I want when the kids are with me, and I told her so. She thinks she can run the show. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Oh my. Yes, it is true that if the children are scheduled to be with you, you can make the plans you would like — if you are not breaking the law and the kids’ safety is not in question. In your case, Mom seems to believe the children are not safe, but her calling the police can’t stop you from going. It will, however, impact the children if they are present when the police arrive, so I suggest Mom take another look at calling the authorities.
To be honest, the police have more important things to do than manage your inability to co-parent. At a child exchange, the police can make an arrest if a parent is under the influence and attempting to transport the children. They can intercede in domestic confrontations. But “I don’t want you to take the kids zip lining” is not in their control — unless someone is throwing punches or threatening harm.
Friends in law enforcement have confided that they do not like to interpret custody orders. There is a lot implied, therefore unenforceable, and they find themselves simply making a judgment call at the time.
I didn’t know the minimum age for zip lining, and when I looked it up, I was very surprised. If Mom is looking for the law to be on her side, she’s out of luck. Like most amusement park rides, most zip lines have minimum height and weight requirements to ensure proper harness fit. The minimum age seems to vary by location and zip line operator, but it is generally 5 to 7 years old — far younger than the age of your boys. Some locations may allow younger children to participate in tandem with an adult.
I caution parents who try to dictate policy at the other parent’s home. It’s not good ex-etiquette and can easily stir the pot. It will back your co-parent into a corner; they will undoubtedly become defensive and then no one is listening at that point.
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When co-parents dictate policy, they are more interested in their personal position than how that position affects their children. Many would just rather be right than exercise their problem-solving skills. Meanwhile, all their kids want to do is go zip lining and mom can quickly look like the bad guy.
When a co-parent interferes with your parenting time, first attempt to work it through with your co-parent. If things get more aggressive, document the occurrence. And if the interference persists, seek legal recourse.
However, it has been my experience that if you show up to court with this sort of complaint, you will be sent to co-parenting counseling to help you learn to solve problems together. That’s when I see you. That’s good ex-etiquette.
(Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families. She can be reached at http://www.bonusfamilies.com or [email protected].)
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