Jann Blackstone, Tribune News Service
Q. My ex and I broke up 6 months ago. We have two kids, and we share custody. She has just informed me that she wants to start dating other people and I’m going a little crazy. It’s only been 6 months! Isn’t this too soon? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Too soon for whom? You or the kids? Probably for both, actually, but I’m not surprised your ex wants to date after 6 months.
And, I think it’s commendable that she is letting you know. Many may think that talking about this with you is playing games, just trying to make you jealous. But if you are truly trying to co-parent those two kids, informing you that she is considering going out is the right thing to do. You should never discuss intimacies, but keeping each other informed keeps surprises to a minimum.
I can’t say that is the right approach with the children, however. It’s a good idea that your co-parent knows your intentions, but kids think everyone you hang out with is a potential partner. Six months ago you and your co-parent were living together with the kids as a family.
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Moving too quickly can confuse them and make them question your loyalty, not necessarily to your co-parent, but to them. They will struggle with issues of allegiance and betrayal and possibly reject anyone you date because it’s just too soon.
Bottom line, go slow in front of the kids. They haven’t had time to adjust after only 6 months.
We all want a certain amount of autonomy once we break up. But if you share the kids’ time and they are going back and forth between your homes, there will be very little privacy. You can keep dating to yourself for a while, but as soon as your new friend comes over just to watch TV or eat dinner, the kids are going to tell your co-parent. They aren’t telling your secrets. They are talking about their lives.
A good rule of thumb? Your children should never know more than their other parent. Don’t ask them to keep secrets.
Something you said in your query caught my eye. You said that your ex thinking about dating is making you go a little crazy. Here again, many might think that’s because you are jealous and want your ex back. The truth that many people in your position have confessed is that they aren’t necessarily interested in reconciliation, but they would like the dust to settle before they must accept their ex is interested in someone else, even if the breakup was their idea.
When analyzed, it may not be logical, but it’s true all the same. Everyone needs time to get adjusted to this new life after a breakup. If you have a question about how to handle something, consider Good Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 7: “Put yourself in their shoes.” Treat them how you would like to be treated. That’s good ex-etiquette.
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