Jann Blackstone, Tribune News Service
Q. This is sort of an ethical question. My ex-wife remarried two years ago and even though this sounds a little weird, I find I like him, poor unsuspecting sap. I can tell he cares about my kids and he’s actually a good influence.
Here’s the deal. My ex has always liked her wine, and I suspect it’s causing some problems over there. Her husband told me he asked her if drinking played a part in our breakup and she told him no, but that is a lie. It is the exact reason I left. So, when things like that come up again and I am asked to clarify the truth, should I? Or do I keep my mouth shut?
A. You walk a fine line when you become cordial with your ex’s new partner — and it sounds as if you are becoming more than merely cordial, maybe even friends. As a result, as communication becomes more friendly, you may learn things about each other that can be both comforting and confusing. It’s a very tricky relationship, one that I understand all too well.
Listen now and subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify | RSS Feed | SoundStack
I started this ex-etiquette journey because as I helped to co-parent my then-husband’s children, I became good friends with their mom. That relationship taught me quite a few things, starting with whatever your ex has told her new partner, she wants to paint herself in the best possible light. Any stories she has passed on probably left out a lot of her own poor behavior.
For you to clarify whether the information is true may undermine their relationship. Is that what is best for the children at this juncture? You said they are close and he is a stabilizing factor. And, truth be told, lies are sometimes merely perception. Were they truly lies or your ex’s perception of the issues that broke you up? That question may never be answered to anyone’s satisfaction.
If you are becoming friends with your ex’s new partner, it’s only a matter of time before he figures out what was true and what was not. Then he must figure out what to do with the information. It’s not your place to set the record straight. They are husband and wife. Even though you may now be regarded as a friend, you are still the ex and any effort you make to set the record straight may look like sour grapes and simply make matters worse.
Finally, when all is said and done, the fact that your ex drank too much while she was married to you has little to do with the decisions he has to make if she’s still drinking. They must deal with it now. Since you’re divorced, your main concern is how her drinking affects your children. And if that becomes an issue, then both her new partner and you can work together to help her realize she needs to get help.
Being supportive is always better and in the best interests of the children — and that’s good ex-etiquette.
Read more on Muscatine Journal
