Q. I’ve always struggled with my body image, and recently I’ve come to realise that a lot of it stems from comments my mum used to make when I was younger: comments about her own weight, how she looked, and how I should “watch what I eat”. It wasn’t overtly cruel, but it was definitely there. Now, as I’m pregnant, I can see I’ve adopted some of these ways of thinking (I even realise that she probably got them from her own mother). I’m terrified of passing these harmful habits and thoughts on to my child. How do I break the cycle and learn to love my body — especially during pregnancy? Is it even possible to undo what’s been ingrained for so long?
A. Thank you for this question. I’m pleased you recognise how powerfully your mother’s relationship with her own body has affected you. We learn far more from what people do and how they behave than from what they say. I’m fascinated that you trace this pattern back to your grandmother too, as these legacies often run through generations — those judgmental looks cast over an outfit or casual comments made at mealtimes that carry such strong messages about what is acceptable and what is not. They may even come from a place of love — “This is good for you” — but leave poison in each generation.
The first step to stopping any cycle is awareness. You have ticked that box, which is brilliant.
What you do now is more than just stop the cycle — you heal backwards. When you do this work, you not only give your child a different sort of mother to the one you had, you also give your own inner child what she needed. This is reparative work that benefits three generations at once: your grandmother’s pain stops with you; your mother’s patterns don’t continue through you; and your child begins with something new.
The next step is to change your behaviour, and here the research offers real hope. The best evidence-based approaches for body image difficulties are cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), self-compassion interventions, and strategies that promote body functionality appreciation.
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Start keeping a diary of negative thoughts and behaviours to help identify triggers and track progress. Write down all the messages you receive from your critical voice: what I call your shitty committee. Look at all the cruel things you say to yourself and ask: “Would I say that to anybody else on the planet?” I’m pretty sure the answer will be no.
This is where self-compassion comes in. Imagine what you would say to someone else in your situation. You’d be kind; you’d understand. Turn to yourself with the same compassion you would give to anyone else. It doesn’t sound like much, but substantial research shows that self-compassion interventions are powerfully effective, reducing body image distress and lessening that toxic emotion of shame which becomes self-attack.
Then challenge your thoughts. They have become so automatic they feel like your reality, but you can change them — and CBT works for this. The basis is simple: if I change how I think, it will change how I feel, and that will change my behaviour. One key technique is cognitive restructuring. You learn to identify and challenge unhelpful or irrational self-critical thoughts (like “I am fat” or “my body is unacceptable”) and replace them with more realistic and balanced self-evaluations.
It is important you realise that you don’t need to leap from negative self-talk to positive self-talk. That’s too big an ask. Instead, aim for neutrality. Before self-love comes self-neutrality — just treat your body as a fact, not a project. “I have a body” rather than “I am my body”. This is less ambitious than body love but often more achievable and sustainable. It takes the temperature down, removing the drama and the emotion.
For this new pattern to be created I find Charles Duhigg, in his book The Power of Habit, helpful. He explains that habits follow a simple loop: cue, routine, reward. Your negative body talk is likely a deeply ingrained habit. The cue might be catching your reflection in a mirror, when you try on clothes, or when you get dressed in the morning. The routine is the critical thought (“I look awful” or “I’m too fat”). The reward, oddly, might be a sense of control, or alignment with what you learnt from your mother, or even a perverse comfort in the familiar. To change this habit, you don’t need to eliminate the cue — mirrors aren’t going anywhere. Instead, you replace the routine while you keep the same cue and reward. When you catch your reflection, the new routine might be to notice one thing your body does well, or to speak to yourself as you would to a dear friend. This feels awkward at first but habits change through repetition, not perfection.
Notice what your body can do. Your body walks you where you need to go. It breathes without you having to think about it. It allows you to hug the people you love. Right now your body is growing a human being. That’s miraculous. Start a gratitude practice: each day note one thing your body enabled you to do or to experience. When you focus on all the positive things your body does for you rather than how it looks, you build a healthier relationship with it.
Your pregnancy offers a unique opportunity for this shift. Pregnancy forces you to be in your body in a way you can’t escape. The baby’s movements, the physical changes, the way your body adapts to grow another human — these are invitations to inhabit your body rather than observe it from the outside with critical distance. You can’t stand apart from your body when your baby kicks. You’re forced into connection, into presence, to feel rather than judge. This is a window for embodiment that won’t come again in quite this way. Feel your baby’s kicks. Let them anchor you in what your body can do, not how it looks.
We are wired to be socially influenced by what we see and who we listen to. It therefore helps to curate your environment. Limit your exposure to idealised and unrealistic body images on all media platforms. Shift your social media feed to follow accounts that promote body diversity and positivity. Build relationships with people who have a positive outlook and who appreciate you for qualities unrelated to physical appearance.
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You have already acknowledged that you want to model a different relationship with your body for your child, and what a gift this new awareness is. Think about what messages you want to pass on. Instead of comments about appearance or weight, talk about strength, capability, health and kindness. Show your child that a body’s worth lies not in how it looks but in what it allows us to do and experience — hold your baby, comfort them, play with them.
Yes, it is possible to undo what’s been ingrained for so long. It takes time and it is difficult, but it is meaningful. The fact that you ask this question shows you’ve already begun. Your child is your motivation, and I smile knowing that in doing this for your child, you also do it for yourself. That’s where change starts — with awareness then action. The compassion you extend to yourself now is practice for the compassion you’ll model for your child tomorrow.
Love,
Julia
