Dear Annie: My husband and I have been together for more than 30 years. In the beginning, we were the couple who couldn’t keep our hands off each other. We smiled easily, held hands without thinking, and felt lucky just to be in the same room after a long day.
Somewhere between raising three kids, becoming grandparents, and moving into our mid-50s, that warmth faded. We still love each other, and neither of us wants to leave. But our marriage feels quiet in a way that scares me. We rarely touch. I honestly can’t remember the last time we laughed together. We sit side by side in the same room, living two separate lives.
Part of it is practical. I’m partially disabled now, so the long walks and active outings we used to share 20 years ago aren’t possible anymore. The days feel smaller, and so does our connection.
We’re also tired. Our youngest daughter is 8, and our youngest grandson is 5. Most evenings we’re watching the kids (15, 9, 8 and 5) so our oldest can work. By the time the house is quiet, there’s not much of us left to give.
Is this what the rest of our lives looks like? A marriage that still has love, but no light? And if there is hope, where do we begin to find it again? – Disappointed in Arizona
Dear Disappointed: Yes, there’s hope, but it won’t return by waiting for the old version of life. Start small and start now. Tell your husband, “I miss us, and I want us back,” then choose one daily ritual you can keep, whether it’s 10 minutes of tea together, a hand on the shoulder when you pass by each other or a nightly check-in to share one good thing that happened to each of you that day.
Because your world has narrowed physically, you’ll need new shared territory: a show you watch only together, a simple hobby, short drives or a weekly lunch out. And get support. A few sessions with a counselor can restart the conversation without blame.
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for 18 years. We love each other, we’re stable, and we’ve built a good life. Which is why I feel ridiculous admitting that one small habit of his is making me feel like a live-in assistant instead of a partner.
He leaves little “jobs” for me everywhere. Not in a cruel way. In a casual, absent-minded way that somehow feels worse.
He’ll set an empty cereal box on the counter next to the trash instead of putting it in. He’ll leave a damp towel on the bed “to dry” when there is a hook two feet away. He’ll place his socks near the hamper like they’re trying to find it with echolocation. When he’s done with a glass, it appears in the sink like a magical artifact. If something spills, he’ll wipe around it and tell me, “I didn’t want to do it wrong.”
I have tried being patient. I have tried joking. I have tried getting specific: “Please put things away.” I’m starting to feel angry before he even walks in the door, because I know I’ll be cleaning up a trail like he’s a well-meaning toddler.
How do I get him to take this seriously without turning our marriage into a weekly housekeeping summit? – Married to a Breadcrumb Trail
Dear Breadcrumb Trail: Stop calling it “helping.” It’s not help when you’re the manager of a one-woman cleaning company.
Have one calm talk and name the real issue, which is that your husband’s behavior makes you feel disrespected and alone in the upkeep. Then pick a simple rule: If it’s in your hands, it goes where it belongs – no landing zones.
And when he says, “I didn’t want to do it wrong,” smile sweetly and reply, “Perfect. Then you’ll learn by doing it.”
Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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