Dear Annie: I’ve been dating my boyfriend, “Dylan,” for almost two years. He’s perfect except for the fact that he avoids conflict like the plague. If I bring up anything even slightly uncomfortable – like that something he said hurt my feelings – he either shuts down, changes the subject or tries to make a joke out of it.
At first, I brushed it off as him being laid-back, but now it’s starting to feel like emotional distance. I’ve told him that I need open communication in a serious relationship, and he always says he understands – but nothing really changes.
I don’t want to force him into deep talks if that’s not how he’s wired, but I also don’t want to spend my life tiptoeing around his feelings. How do I know if this is just a communication style difference or a bigger red flag? – Feeling Shut Out
Dear Feeling Shut Out: Talking about conflict is key in any adult relationship, and if Dylan isn’t capable of it then he should at least be making an effort to learn how. Tell him how his responses (or lack thereof) make you feel, and if he’s open to growth, you’ll see small but steady signs – him staying present in tough conversations, following up or even admitting when he’s uncomfortable.
If, instead, he keeps dodging and deflecting, you’re not dealing with a quirk. You’re dealing with emotional unavailability.
Dear Annie: I’m at risk of asking the glaringly obvious here, but is my relationship really over? I worry I’m in denial and can’t let go, so your take on this would really help.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 14 years. We live 15 minutes apart. He’s widowed, I’m divorced, and we both have adult sons – mine is 31, his is 40. Both lost a parent in their late teens.
In all this time, I’ve never met his son or any of his friends or family, though he knows mine. My son doesn’t like him mostly because of how excluded I’ve been, which he thinks is disrespectful. My boyfriend says he had an abusive father and doesn’t like his two siblings or their families very much. He only has one real friend but won’t introduce me to him. When I asked why, he said he “likes his privacy.” I chalked it up to his idiosyncrasies but still found it odd.
We used to talk on the phone for hours every night. Occasionally, he’s gone quiet for a week or two, but this time, though we haven’t had a falling out, it’s been eight months since we last saw each other. I told him I missed him, but nothing changed, we just kept talking on the phone.
Now I’m starting to feel like I’m wasting my time on someone I love who clearly doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t want to be just his phone friend, but I’m not good at letting go. What do you think? – Still Holding On
Dear Holding On: It’s difficult to accept when something we’ve deeply invested in and want to work has run its course. It sounds like this relationship has been over for a while, and it’s time to fully accept that and cut ties.
You’ve spent well over a decade with a man who’s never introduced you to a single person in his life. Even if he’s distant from family, he’s kept you at arm’s length in every way. And now, after eight months without seeing each other, he continues this pattern of avoiding you most of the time and engaging only when he wants to. Whether he means to or not, he’s shown you exactly where you stand.
Letting go is hard, but what’s really left for you to hold onto? You already know the answer. This isn’t love and it’s certainly not what you deserve. The longer you wait to accept that, the harder it’ll be on your heart to move forward.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].
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