Dear Eric: About 10 years back, I became the primary caretaker for our mother, even though there are five other siblings scattered throughout the country. She resides at a high-level care assisted-living facility nearby, is a healthy 99, but has some significant dementia.
I’m visiting one or two times a week and also take her to all her medical appointments and out to lunch. I arrange FaceTime and phone calls with my siblings, because Mom wants to see or talk to them. I’m also responsible for her finances, which makes me quite anxious. I enjoy my mother, she’s great.
My issue is with the other siblings. I write them emails with information on how our mother is doing, and how difficult and complex the transition to Medicaid was. Rarely do they reply to the emails. Every now and then I get an email reply to all, “once again, thanks for taking care of everything.”
I wrote an email to two of my closer siblings, asking them to please “model” thank you emails for the others. To reply to my next email update with something like, “We know this is difficult and takes a lot of your time, and we really appreciate it.” I asked for the words I wanted to hear back.
What I got back from one was, basically, yeah, we’ll do that all “when this is over” whatever that means! I was furious. Very few words of appreciation and, of course, nothing from the other three.
I will continue to care for my mom, but I’m ready to cut them all off.
I’m feeling used and abused, and they can’t even do what I ask of them when I need it. They all will get equal shares of the small inheritance I made sure will be there as well.
What do I do with this anger, or how do I get what I need from others?
– Unsupported Support System
Dear Support: This is not fair and though it may be a cold comfort, know that you’re not alone. Many caregiving family members express frustration or burn-out from a lack of support. Even the most well-intentioned family member can fail to grasp the full scope of tasks that caregivers tackle.
Unfortunately, your siblings have shown a level of disengagement that goes beyond simple misunderstanding. Kudos to you for asking, specifically, for what you need. And shame on them for not responding in kind.
Though your anger is justified, it’s not going to feed you. So, I’d recommend talking to a therapist about the way you’re feeling and the on-going frustrations with your siblings. It’ll be helpful to have someone who can listen to you and help you process.
Also seek out support and even just conversation with friends and other loved ones. They may not fully understand what you’re going through, but it’s still helpful to hear someone say, “this is hard and I’m sorry.” Your Area Agency on Aging and the National Council on Aging will also offer caregiver resources, including support groups, financial education, and more.
Dear Eric: Recently I decided not to attend a holiday gathering with family members I’ve joined for decades, and instead hosted my cousins from the other side of the family who have been very kind to me over the years. I wound up unhappy.
No sooner than I offered, they decided on the menu, even though I had already placed an order. After the fact, they told me what they couldn’t eat or drink and what they would bring.
Well, I got ready and they brought food I didn’t expect or make arrangements for. They didn’t help with some cleanup and did not include me in conversation. And to top it off, turned the TV on to watch a football game.
My other family had not done that in more than 50 years. I am still steaming. Should I let it pass or just not issue an invitation or accept theirs and resume going to the other family. What do you think?
– Upset Hostess
Dear Hostess: These guests don’t seem very gracious or grateful at all. Perhaps it’s a quirk of personality but it’s fair to expect more. A generous interpretation suggests they were just making themselves at home and their version of “at home” has some rough edges that clash with your sense of hospitality.
Either way, this doesn’t seem like a good fit for a holiday gathering. Don’t let it stick in your craw, though. Consider it a “you live and learn” situation. Next year, you can resume the tradition that works for you. If the cousins extend an invitation, you can gratefully decline, citing your other plans. If you have a desire, perhaps suggest an alternative way of connecting that’s less likely to cause consternation.
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