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If there is ever a book written on distinctly British gay lexicon, there will need to be a whole chapter dedicated to the Queen of Clean, Kim Woodburn and her iconic quotes.
Kim Woodburn sadly died yesterday, 16 June, after suffering from a “short illness”, according to her representatives.
From her fire-starting appearance on Celebrity Big Brother in 2017, to the wave of hot-tempered media interviews she gave in the years since, Kim Woodburn proved herself to be a legend of British television, and one of the all-time greatest huns.
Load up YouTube and you’ll see a plethora of compilation videos of her most savage moments, each racking up hundreds of thousands of views. In most, her hair is pulled tight into her signature bun, her tongue unfailingly sharp, her scathing remarks delivered in that delightfully grand voice of hers.
So what’s your favourite Kim Woodburn quote? “Don’t start with me!” or “Two-faced!” or “Adulterer!” Perhaps something a little more niche, like “Come on, machine!” or “I’ll never forget it, never!” There’s plenty to choose from. Here are Kim Woodburn’s very best TV moments.
There’s a YouTube video entitled “The House Erupts In A Massive Fight” which has more than four million views. It’s one of the very best Big Brother fights of all time, and it’s all thanks to Kim Woodburn.
It’s a clip from her time on Celebrity Big Brother in 2017, in which she laments all the “f**king people I’m living with in here”.
First, she starts with model Bianca Gascoigne: “Don’t start!”
And then, reality TV’s Spencer Pratt and entrepreneur Calum Best: “I’ll cross you so badly, you’ll regret it for the rest of you life! You want trouble, which I don’t want, well by Christ you’re going to get it in spade loads. You HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE people.”
Next, it’s the “gang-handed girls” – aka Gascoigne, model Nicola McLean, and Geordie Shore’s Chloe Ferry who get both barrels: “You’re causing all this! You horrible, horrible girl! You’re a chicken-livered bunch!”
But it’s footballer Jamie O’Hara who sends the argument skyward. After calling him a “chicken-livered bugger”, O’Hara springs to his feet, and the pair go head-to-head in a confrontation so fiery, that the Big Brother producers are forced to interject.
It ends with Woodburn being pushed away by security, as she furiously labels O’Hara an “adulterer!”
Kim Woodburn had plenty of beefs during her stint in the Celebrity Big Brother house, but it was her rivalry with model Nicola McLean that offered up some of her most scathing quips.
“You’ve caused most of this trouble in here, with your little gang! Don’t start with me!” “Shut up, big gob!” “You’re a sado!” and my personal favourite, purposefully calling Nicola, “Nicole”.
Back in less enlightened days, when Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby hosted ITV’s This Morning, Kim Woodburn was called on as a guest following her Celebrity Big Brother stint to “answer her critics”.
When it turned out that Schofield was one of her critics, Woodburn took aim, and fired. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, Phil,” she purred, a manicured pink nail pointing directly into Schofield’s soul.
“You should’ve had me on here and stayed neutral… you big phony!”
Much like every gay man across Britain, James Lee Williams – aka late Drag Race UK winner The Vivienne – knew how to do a mean Kim Woodburn impression. But The Vivienne’s was undoubtedly one of the best. So when Netflix paired them together to watch Too Hot To Handle season two on I Like to Watch UK, it was wonderful to watch the much-missed drag icon and her muse swap quotes and drag vapid reality TV stars for filth. “Dirty madam!”
Following her Celebrity Big Brother bust up with Coleen Nolan, Kim Woodburn was invited onto ITV’s Loose Women – on which Nolan was a panelist – to clear the air. By the end of the segment, the air was as clear as that which circulates the M25 during rush hour.
During the confrontation, Woodburn accused the other Loose Women panelists – Linda Robson, Janet Street-Porter, and Nolan’s sister Linda Nolan, of “putting the phony act on”.
After going head-to-head with every member on the panel, Woodburn offered up this nugget about those who had defended her Big Brother antics: “You will not say what went on in that house but I’ll tell you something, and folks, look on your computers – I can’t even switch one on, so it’s not me putting one on – 98 per cent of people – look on your computers – say, ‘they gave you a rough time in there Kim’.”
The spat continued to escalate, Woodburn got very emotional, and shut down any hopes of reconciling with Nolan – before storming off the panel.
During a This Morning debate in 2017, Kim Woodburn left comedian Kate Smurthwaite withered when she shared her opinion on men who call women “darling”.
After Smurthwaite suggested she wouldn’t shop somewhere where the keeper calls women “darling”, Woodburn dubbed her thoughts an “utter load of garbage”.
Kim then suggested that she’d never even heard a shopkeeper call someone “darling”, telling Smurthwaite that she was “talking tripe”.
“You’re just looking for something to say, dear!” she rounded off. “What is the harm? What is wrong with you woman!”
During her appearance on E4’s Celeb Cooking School in 2022, one of her last televised appearances, Kim Woodburn was a little too distracted to be thinking of her culinary strengths.
Dressed in a leopard print top, her braided bun teased out into a Ariana Grande-style ponytail, Woodburn took quite the fancy to judge Giorgio Locatelli.
“I don’t know how it happened,” she said, after offering up a less-than-appealing curry. “I was distracted. I do know how it happened. It’s you, dear,” she admitted, looking at Locatelli.
“You are gorgeous dear. If I wasn’t married, you and I could make some music. Room number three, second floor.”
One of her earlier forays into the world of reality TV, on Channel 4’s Come Dine With Me in 2010, saw her get a little loosey-goosey with the vodka. She slurred her words, dribbled mascarpone on her chin, and offended the host. “The food? OK. 70 per cent. The vodka? Lovely!”
Kim Woodburn appeared on I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! back in 2009, coming in second place after chef Gino D’Acampo. It was her attempt at the eating Bushtucker Trial alongside Katie Price that cemented her into the season’s hall of fame.
While eating a fish eye, she wretched so much she was sick in her mouth – causing Price to gag, too. Then, she was offered a kangaroo anus – dubbed “Chewing Bum” – to which Woodburn quipped: “Sounds like my honeymoon night, Kate!”
Kim Woodburn launched a fusillade of quotes over the years, and somehow changed British pop culture forever in the process. So, here’s just a few that you’ll catch most British gay men saying every few days.
“Great scripts, great cast!” – “Come on, machine!” – “What the f**king hell – ‘scuse me – is happening here?” – “Now look, my love.” – “We were JOKING!” – “Get a LIFE!” – “You’re two tomatoes short of a salad, girl!” – “They’re evil, and I can’t wait to see the back of those rotten pigs!” – “That is simply not true dear, you’re telling porkies!” and finally, “Don’t demean me, fat slob!”
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